invisible cracks

June 2, 2011

Enlightenment through consciousness.

(Read this slowly,  thought by thought, it's not too long and benefits from a paused pace and due gravitas, it is after all about the life-journey to enlightenment).

I found myself falling thorough my resolve more and more frequently.  I had become accustomed to operating behind a shield of hardened sensitivity.  Process, progress and self improvement were my key targets. 

I removed myself from entrapment by minimising emotion in all I did.  It was a cleaner process to condense events to their components, to logic, to reason. 

 I gained a comfort from categorising interactions and observing events.  I saw scenery in terms of width and depth of field, its colours and contrasts.   I felt climate graphed to temperature and humidity.  I experienced relationships in measured terms of giving and receiving.

Not always did my categories allow me to pigeon-hole an experience but I tried not to let on to anyone that I didn’t understand how my old dog could always make me kneel down and give him a hug..

As the years went on I became the recipient of the odd random acts of kindness. I was ill-equipped to reciprocate and found that this affected my progress along social and career paths.  I had set some very clear objectives I'd expected to achieve by certain dates.  Quite a few of these had proved elusive. 

I decided that, as in all things, there was probably a need for balance, a ying to a yang.  A positive to a negative.  An acid to a base.  This should provide a more neutral environment in which opportunity may develop.

From this new perspective I see all around me the lack of common understanding, the enormous complexity in the simplest of questions, the tiny interactions that provide tactile reality to the most banal proposition. 

A driver asks direction and I now wonder if the scenic, direct or easiest alternative would be best for that individual and I want to enquire as to the purpose of the journey to provide a more attuned reply. 
A youth asks for advice and I pine for the innocence of the question and long to answer without destroying the joy of discovery. 
A bride requests a favour and I ache over the appropriate intimacy of the response.

I have become a person of consideration. I revel in the joys of life’s minutiae. I amuse myself with the challenge of providing a well designed response that encourages further interaction..

But frequently now, I feel.  I see.  I am involved.  I have no tools for this part of my life, I have repressed them in favour of logical process.  Now the simplicity of a question becomes unendingly complex as I sense the feelings of others.  A response must account for the sensitivity of the recipient.  A reply must provide a solution but also an avenue for the enquirer to escape from should my answer not fit their comprehension.

Solutions become more complex the more simple the questions.  I begin to re-live painful lessons as I deal with mundane challenges. I find answers are now too complex to craft quickly and I find myself becoming the type of over-wordy conversationalist I once despised.
In an effort to be more succinct I become much more emotive.
I often choke over words which contain portent to me but are cushioned by their brevity.

I cannot allow the strength of my understanding to fall upon the unwitting.  They have not had the emotional , the structured, the cruel path of development I have endured.  It is this that makes communication almost impossible. I frequently now listen mute as I fall through invisible cracks in my emotional capacity..

So mostly I stay silent. My understanding is something I am content with, my ability to disclose it is treasured,
and my days are happy enough,
should people wish to enquire.

(This practical example of enlightenment was inspired by Chris’s dark enlightenment story he read at the LeedsSavage meet, 18th May 2011.)