invisible cracks

June 2, 2011

Enlightenment through consciousness.

(Read this slowly,  thought by thought, it's not too long and benefits from a paused pace and due gravitas, it is after all about the life-journey to enlightenment).

I found myself falling thorough my resolve more and more frequently.  I had become accustomed to operating behind a shield of hardened sensitivity.  Process, progress and self improvement were my key targets. 

I removed myself from entrapment by minimising emotion in all I did.  It was a cleaner process to condense events to their components, to logic, to reason. 

 I gained a comfort from categorising interactions and observing events.  I saw scenery in terms of width and depth of field, its colours and contrasts.   I felt climate graphed to temperature and humidity.  I experienced relationships in measured terms of giving and receiving.

Not always did my categories allow me to pigeon-hole an experience but I tried not to let on to anyone that I didn’t understand how my old dog could always make me kneel down and give him a hug..

As the years went on I became the recipient of the odd random acts of kindness. I was ill-equipped to reciprocate and found that this affected my progress along social and career paths.  I had set some very clear objectives I'd expected to achieve by certain dates.  Quite a few of these had proved elusive. 

I decided that, as in all things, there was probably a need for balance, a ying to a yang.  A positive to a negative.  An acid to a base.  This should provide a more neutral environment in which opportunity may develop.

From this new perspective I see all around me the lack of common understanding, the enormous complexity in the simplest of questions, the tiny interactions that provide tactile reality to the most banal proposition. 

A driver asks direction and I now wonder if the scenic, direct or easiest alternative would be best for that individual and I want to enquire as to the purpose of the journey to provide a more attuned reply. 
A youth asks for advice and I pine for the innocence of the question and long to answer without destroying the joy of discovery. 
A bride requests a favour and I ache over the appropriate intimacy of the response.

I have become a person of consideration. I revel in the joys of life’s minutiae. I amuse myself with the challenge of providing a well designed response that encourages further interaction..

But frequently now, I feel.  I see.  I am involved.  I have no tools for this part of my life, I have repressed them in favour of logical process.  Now the simplicity of a question becomes unendingly complex as I sense the feelings of others.  A response must account for the sensitivity of the recipient.  A reply must provide a solution but also an avenue for the enquirer to escape from should my answer not fit their comprehension.

Solutions become more complex the more simple the questions.  I begin to re-live painful lessons as I deal with mundane challenges. I find answers are now too complex to craft quickly and I find myself becoming the type of over-wordy conversationalist I once despised.
In an effort to be more succinct I become much more emotive.
I often choke over words which contain portent to me but are cushioned by their brevity.

I cannot allow the strength of my understanding to fall upon the unwitting.  They have not had the emotional , the structured, the cruel path of development I have endured.  It is this that makes communication almost impossible. I frequently now listen mute as I fall through invisible cracks in my emotional capacity..

So mostly I stay silent. My understanding is something I am content with, my ability to disclose it is treasured,
and my days are happy enough,
should people wish to enquire.

(This practical example of enlightenment was inspired by Chris’s dark enlightenment story he read at the LeedsSavage meet, 18th May 2011.)

Crabs

(An amalgam of memories and fictions)

“Before and After” task for May 18 LeedsSavages Task.

Before~

It takes a hot hour and a half of I-spy, songs and other games led by mum and dad from the front seat but it feels lots quicker than that. Despite repeated orders that we all keep still, I am crawling on the rubber floor mats playing some silly game with my sisters when I feel the car brakes come on and I hear the happy popping noise from the tyres as they push through loose gravel. As quick as I can I push up onto the seat and crank the window down as the car crunches into slow gear and whines and crawls along the sandy track towards the beach.

The morning summer heat is scattered into thousands of bright dashes blinking through the trees as we bounce over the rutted track. “ONE”!, we all cry out as the floor of the car strikes a rock higher than we can clear. It is a silly game, but one we play every time we come. The number of bumps can sometimes tell if anyone else has got to our beach before us today. From the back seat we crane out our window to catch sight of the sea or the beach through breaks in the undergrowth. The smell of the trees mixed with the sea is a dizzy promise for the fun to come. “TWO”!, we now scream as this is the minimum bump count for the times when we have arrived here first. “I hope the soldier crabs are out” gleams Julie, “Will the tide be low? Do we know? Will it?”

The reply from the front is cut short by a long scrape of the underneath and a sideways slide of the car followed by a cheer from us in the back. We are going to be here alone, its almost certain.

Around one more bend in the track we are into the open bit of space where we park up and we can see our campfire stones are all still here. We drive very slowly to our shaded parking spot and are told again and again to stay in the car until it stops. This is the hardest time ‘cos now we can see the water and can’t wait to find out what our beach has given us today. The car draws to a stop painfully slowly and we are teased as it crawls a little bit more and then a bit more until our cries of “Stop the Car!” become too shrill and mum’s instruction is given to let us out.
We throw open the back doors and flee on warm sand giving way under our weight. We dash towards the sea, the small stones and shells causing no problem to our summer-tough feet. “Go slow” yells Julie as Helen and I now race each other over the squeaking sand. We look up to see a shiny moving silver-blue sheet of a million soldier crabs chasing the waves in and out and catching the sea lice they eat. This is a treasure for Julie who loves the out-tide for this once a day show. The crabs are harmless wire legged little things about the size of a marble with tiny nippers they use to catch their food and dig themselves into the sand. The beach at the tide mark is like moon craters with all their holes, and the sand is full of millions of tiny claw marks they’ve made. The three of us sit and watch them for a while, occasionally walking into their midst to see them scatter and burrow frantically. By sitting still we find our selves surrounded by the sparkling little things all busying themselves and taking no notice of us. I soon tire of this and I dash through them into the sea to look for the schools of little fish I know will be just beneath the wavelets about four yards out. I love feeling them brush the water past my legs as they swim backwards and forwards, the salt stings my eyes but I can see them underwater if I hold my breath and stay really still.

I look up and see that Helen has headed off to her pool further down in the long outcrop of rocks. I go back to Julie and ask if she wants to go to the old ship at the other end of our beach. She agrees. Her crabs are mostly finished and have returned to their holes to wait for the next tide.

The ship traps lots of shells and washed up stuff we try to collect. Its far too soon when we hear the car horn for lunch. It blows again more urgently and we head back to sausages sizzling slowly, bread that has been baked in foil next to the fire and there’s a big fruit cake wrapped in greased paper..

After lunch we listen to a story about sailors and islands. Julie and I fall asleep and when we wake up we are covered in the picnic blanket and the fire is out and smoldering under a layer of sand. Going back to the beach we see Helen is back at her rock pool watching from above now as the waves take it back until tomorrow. We know we will all be gathered up soon and there is only a little time left for us to enjoy the surf which is only just now getting big enough to slide into shore on.

After ~

“Yeah, and like it’s not even half a DVD to get there.
I log on in the car and game with someone ‘cos, like even when we get there, it takes like forever to find a spot in the multi-level. And we have to 'stay in the car', driving around in circles looking to park it.
So that we all know where it is.
I don’t know why, like, we’re never allowed to get separated. Today they let me bring my phone though, so like, I’m not that bothered.
Anyway, we only ever go to the Crab cafe for fish and chips.
Sometimes we might go for a swim but there is too much poop in the water today so it’s just going to be lunch, and like probably we’ll be dragged to look at the crap Aquarium with the wrecked boat in it..
These days are like the biggest wank.
We only ever come here because mum was made to when she was a kid.”

Necessary Evil

The task this time was a bit using either, old photos or necessary evil,or both, or neither,

Necessary evil
– for the 4th of May meeting.

I have planned it for over a year now but even as I dropped the first one I could feel the ground shudder a little and from my vantage point above them I could sense the inhabitants startle. This devastation of their community was an unavoidable byproduct of my new resolve to clear the way for better things. Sure, thousands would die and hundreds be made homeless but my will is supreme and my intent now resolute. I had not decreed they establish their lives within my range of endeavour and as I continued to make my marks into the landscape the unease of the ground dwellers became more apparent. I see some of the less brave make good an escape which upsets me a little but I reasoned there had to be some that escape, I could not expect total decimation. With luck they will return overnight as my actions cease and they will be back in residence in time for the annihilation.

Besides this was fair warning, I will be pounding the earth with many blows and in many places for quite a while. I need to clearly establish and in fact limit the range of the future destruction. If, despite the relentless pounding I am delivering today, the stubborn residents within these boundaries choose to remain out of bravery, misguided resistance or languor, then I can grant them no mercy. I will not stand to have them resident within my new plan for the area. After all, I am anticipating a carnage, I have assembled my forces, the trades of my destructive vision are scheduled and arriving, and I can almost see the total devastation I have planned to ensure the eradication of these meager occupants. I am the lord of their world and my will shall be done.

I look back now at the results of my efforts and the clearly defined route of demarcation. All the destruction to follow will fall between the markers driven in to the lands. There can be no confusion. The first clouds of the apocalypse shall descend at daybreak, those endeavouring to elude the noxious destruction shall be trapped and slain by my lieutenants of eradication. At noon the second holocaust of needle toothed warriors will be unleashed to devour survivors and the following day the lands will be laid waste by explosion and excavations of the like never before seen in these parts, by close of actions all their dwellings will be demolished and the genocide complete. Guaranteed.

My mission will have commenced. I can’t wait to feel the vibrations as the lands are compressed, the wasted haunts of the slain masses smote level and filled with the detritus of my industry. The vision of flame-hot viscous ooze spreading black over the scene actually excites me and I admit that I am reveling so much in this imagining that a grin has spread across my countenance. The memory of my efforts of past years, slowly traversing these places in howling gales, and my recollections of the annual battle with the occupants of the lands will be sweet memories now that I know I will be free of their endless trials and the frustrations. My previous and ineffective attempts to subdue the insidious occupants are laughable, as if I were negotiating with intelligent beings and finally expecting that by killing the majority the minority would depart. Beyond my understanding the invaders not only remained but grew in number year on year. Their activities have destroyed my lands, corrupted my produce and made negotiating my landscape a daily disenchantment.

As I cast my gaze further I am looking now at the roadway outside the gate to my property, smooth tarmac and smart guttered edge. I am so excited that in just a week, no more, I will have cleared the rabbit plague from the way to my house, filled their burrows and laid that same smooth all weather tarmac surface to my front door. The feeling of triumph and victory over lands and nature goes a long way to dull any feeling of remorse over the slaughter of a local wild lapin population . The decimation is a minor but necessary evil.

Wedding Words

Together



Before Together, there was a world,
wide, large and unknown
demanding your explore, your bravery your touch.

Before Together, your hearts frail, scarred, well guarded,
Still questing discovery, adventure, fresh wounds.

Before Together, your love, vague, simple and slippery,
seeking challenge, defining and form.

Before Together, half Together.
Half Together, alone.
Two alones, two hearts, two worlds, two apart
are now soft memories, cleansed by your Together.

And here we are,
all called to witness,
Together two hearts, two worlds

We smile, we delight
At distance conquered by desire,
At desire conjoined by events and
At events coalesced by affection.

We smile, we reflect
At the meeting, the juncture,
At the union defined.
In a future imagined, a pledge forever.

Together before us.
Together in time.
Love challenging, defining, discovering.
Together embarking on separate paths,

So we gift you strength and delight.
Together in one world,
wide, large and unknown.