funny employee evaluation quips

EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS
collected from HR review teams of one major corporation;s performance summaries in the 1990's. 
Posted here just cos they made me chuckle then and still do now.

1. "Since my last report when this employee had reached rock bottom, he
has started to wear through that level."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere. . .but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a
definite 'won't be.'"
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When he opens his mouth it is to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a puddle."
8. "This young lady had delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far,. . .and the sooner he starts, the
better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
13. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
14. "He certainly takes a long time to make things pointless."
15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
17. "He's been working with glue too much."
18. "He would argue with a signpost."
19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
24. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
25. "Good social conscience, he donated his brain to science. Evidence suggests they have acted on his offer."
26. "Gates are down, lights are flashing, train not coming."
27. "Has two brains: One is lost and the other is out looking for it."
28. "If he were more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week."
29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change."
30. "If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean."
31. "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
32. "One neuron short of a synapse."
33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. . .he gargled and spat."
34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

ICE

The task was to write something based on the word Ice. for the first writers meeting of 2011.  I was to be away at the time.

ICE


To the touch as steel it drives
A raw temptation to grasp,
To clasp the trapped eternity
While history melts around it.

The largest adorn and amaze
As their captured light refracts
A honed brilliance, a radiance
From passion to spectacle.

Clarity translates the heat of the earth
From the magma though blood to crystal
Besotting the beauteous and banal
Beguiling the bestial and base.

It flashes desire to the heart
Of a maiden and the crone and
Drives to distraction and ruin
Those captured by its eternal allure.

An ache of passions
Cold as ice.
Value beyond worth.
The flawed diamond.